An Ounce at a Time

The last three weeks have been full of so many emotions, so many triumphs, and so many struggles. Some days I feel like I am super mom and have finally figured it out and can really do this thing. The day that follows a day like that is usually a day full of I have no idea what I'm doing, I don't know why she's crying, or how to be a good mom feelings. Recently I have moved away from the whole dramatic despair feelings and more into, ok - I don't know why she's crying, but I can figure this out - even if I just have to sit and hold her all day. I think that that has helped me more than anything - realizing that for now this is my greatest responsibility and it's ok to slow down and just hold her if that's what I need to do. Right now the laundry is not the most important thing - don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the day when I will figure out how to get the laundry done, dinner made, and the house cleaned - along with taking care of Addison...but for now taking care of Addison might be all I can do, and that's ok.

Our biggest challenge in the last three weeks has come in the form of ounces - whoever knew I would be obsessed with each little ounce! Addison was born at a healthy 7 lbs. 4 oz. Not too big, not too small, a very normal weight. Most of you probably know that it's normal for a baby to lose some of their birth weight. I was told about 10% was the most a baby should lose, and they are to regain that weight by about day ten. On Saturday when we left the hospital Addison weighed 6 lbs. 11 oz. Not too bad, but we were told that she probably shouldn't lose anymore. On Monday we had a doctor's appt., the first thing they did was weigh her, she weighed 5 lbs. 15 oz. She had lost almost a pound in a day and a half. Not a good thing for a brand new mom with crazy hormones to find out - that her daughter was starving. :( We soon found out that she was jaundice, hence the reason for the dramatic 18% weight loss. She was too sick and tired to eat. So, Addison had to do phototherapy in our home Monday - Wednesday. Which means she was in her diaper lying on a little light bed all the time except for when she was nursing. So hard to leave my newborn there when all I wanted to do was hold her. But, I also knew that she HAD to gain weight, and this was going to help. On Wednesday she weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. and her jaundice levels had decreased. YEAH!! :) A week later she had her two week check up, time for weight check... 6 lbs. 4 oz. ... WHAT??!! She hadn't gained an ounce in a week, babies should gain at least four ounces a week at first. UGH. So frustrating. And she was in the fifth percentile for her weight, another discouraging thing. Can I just say that breastfeeding is hard - really hard - and not for the reasons I thought it was going to be hard. So, we scheduled another appointment for the next week. Weight check - 6 lbs. 12 oz. WOOHOO!!! And then we went on Friday and she was 6 lbs. 15 oz. yeah for progress! :) But, this is week three and she is still not up to her birth weight, so another doctor's appointment was scheduled for the next week. We go tomorrow and I will let you know how it goes. The coolest thing though, was after last weeks appt. I went to talk to the lactation consultant and she was able to weigh Addison before I nursed, and then after and tell me how much she had eaten. She ate 2.5 oz. which I was so excited about and it helped me not to feel like a terrible mom that wasn't feeding her daughter. I have also had amazing encouragement from some ladies here that have had some of the same struggles, that has been a huge blessing and has helped me get through this.

So, that has been our main focus - gaining weight. Hopefully we are almost passed that. I feel like this post conveys the message that I am discouraged, but as I sit here typing with one hand because my daughter is curled up sleeping in my other arm, I can't think of any greater blessing than this opportunity that I have been given, to love and care for this beautiful little girl. I am so blessed! :)